My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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