people are starting to question the shark bite story
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
