best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I had to cum in my sink.
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