Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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