Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
