just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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