at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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