It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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