please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
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Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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