I feel like I'm in dance class right now
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So squirting runs in the family.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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