I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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