I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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