My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
