Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
