i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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