We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
