2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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