we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize