I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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