It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
