Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
