I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Someone stole a lamp last night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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