it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize