Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
