I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
