it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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