I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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