You're a womanizer and a bitch.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
