so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
either way he was missing a nipple.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
