I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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