Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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