i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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