haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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