I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
