Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
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That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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