Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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