you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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