wrigley field is MILF paradise
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
