Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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