I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
