You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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