Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Randomize
