They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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