i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
