Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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