Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Rumble strips road head = magical
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
