you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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