I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
