Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
