ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
