My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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