if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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