sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
