Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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