take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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