arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
