there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
